“The film for the rest of this review shall be known as the Atrocious Spider-Man as there is nothing remotely amazing about it”

The Amazing Spider-Man Review
By Simon Jago

One of the most unnecessary film remake/reboots to ever be conceived, the Amazing Spider-Man restarts the web slinging franchise just ten years on from the original by Sam Raimi and only five years since his less than becoming third installment. The film for the rest of this review shall be known as the Atrocious Spider-Man as there is nothing remotely amazing about it, other than its ability to surprise you at every turn with even more mind-numbing stupidity  Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man was rough around the edges but at least it entertained and some of its more cliche’ elements could be forgiven as it was one of the fore-running comic book movies to lead the way for ‘Hurricane Marvel’ to would swamp our cinema screens in disappointment for years to follow.

Seeing as you can’t move in a cinema lobby for super hero action flicks these days, rebooting a film that was fine the way it was only a decade on, the final product has to be something  ’Amazing’ as the title so boldly proclaims. However, it isn’t and I think the only person on this planet that can sit back in his chair as the credits role and feel completely satisfied is Sam Raimi as he sticks two fingers up at Marvel Enterprises.

PLOT SYNOPSIS
Well if you’ve seen Spider-Man the original, then you will already know the story. High school geek Peter Parker this time played by Andrew Garfield visits a genetic research laboratory and is bitten by a radioactive spider and inherits super powers. During his transformation which seems pretty instantaneous, Peter’s uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) is killed in a street shooting and Peter vows to use his powers to hunt down and punish the man responsible. Meanwhile a friend of Peter’s estranged father Dr Kurt Connors uses the same genetic research to replicate a reptiles ability to regrow body parts in an attempt to grow back his arm. However, fate is not as kind to Kurt and his experimenting turns him into Spidey’s latest adversary ’The Lizard’.

SIMON SLATES
The film takes what seems like forever for boring Peter Parker to transform into Spider-Man and when he does, the process takes about two minutes and I’m certain he was bitten by a radioactive Eddie Murphy as well because the moment he dons the mask he seems to turn into a black comedian. Also I’m sick of the way the film constantly juxtapositions Spider-Man battling a giant Welsh Komodo Dragon (Rhys Ifans) with the mundane existence of high school life. In the original Spider-Man once he became the friendly neighborhood web slinger we were done with the high school scenes. In this version the director Marc Webb seems obsessed with polluting any super hero excitement with teenage high school drama.

Both Spider-Man and the Lizard are dreadful. They look good, but absolutely fail to deliver any credible action. Every scene where they encounter each other is unimaginative garbage and you never see the two characters actually battle it out. Not like the great battle sequences with Doctor Octopus in Spider-Man 2. It’s like the pair of them cancel each other out with their own blandness. Also during one of the fight scenes if you can even call it that, one of the sequences in which the two characters are within close proximity to each other there features the most  frustratingly awful Stan Lee cameo which frankly I’m pig sick of Marvel. Stop raping and pillaging this old man’s life work and justifying it to yourself by shoving him in every god damn pile of crap you create.

The film was almost worth making on one point alone and that is replacing Kirsten Dunst as the love interest for three long movies and using the gorgeous Emma Stone as Gwen Stacey. However, as much as I tired of Tobey Maguire pining over the most average looking girl in New York, Andrew Garfield playing the hard to get routine with Emma just doesn’t cut the romantic mustard. The Atrocious Spider-Man smacks of cliche’ romantic heart warming moments that literally made me shake my head in disgust. The scene with the crane operators will have you longing for a ‘Cloverfield’ style event to take place and for all the New Yorker Spidey lovers to perish painfully! I won’t say any more but if about thirty minutes from the end of the movie you find yourself with a smashed up TV & Blu-Ray player in your living-room, I won’t blame you.

RATING
I like Andrew Garfield, I like Spider-Man, did I like the Amazing Spider-Man? No I f**king hated it! Marvel Studios this was a terrible idea to re-make the Spider-Man franchise so soon. Please, please, please learn from your mistakes and realise that you can’t just keep pumping out this shit and just reboot the franchise when you feel you haven’t done a good enough job. Actually make a decent film the first time round and you won’t have to re-make it, oh wait they did make a decent film the first time round…

Maniac Rating - 2 Stars