“I fail to see how Dark Shadows which screams of being a child-like kids movie can feature a scene where Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) goes down on a two-hundred something year old dead guy”

Dark Shadows Review
By Simon Jago

What’s that? A new Tim Burton film that stars Johnny Depp in a quirky but lovable lead role and generally featuring Helena Bonham Carter somewhere? Nah surely you can’t be serious? Well, I am. Dark Shadows, a remake of an old TV show is yet the newest installment of the emo themed Tim Burton and guess what? It’s exactly like all his other movies.

PLOT SYNOPSIS
Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) a rich womanising 18th century gentlemen has made his fortune in the new world of Maine America. His extravagant playboy ways are fine until he breaks the heart of a witch Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green). As punishment for this she kills his loved one, turns him into a vampire and locks him away in a coffin to rot for all eternity. A bit harsh don’t you think? Anyway Barnabas is freed over two hundred years later to discover that the family business is falling apart and his distant his family manor house is now occupied by Michelle Pfeiffer, Johnny Lee Miller, Chloe Grace Moretz, Helena Bonham Carter etc.

SIMON SLATES
The film for me is just really disjointed. I mean what is it trying to be; funny? serious? For one Barnabas Collins is a serial killing blood sucking vampire who fair enough has a caring side for his family but not much else. Also I find it seriously hard to believe that he would have such a problem simply getting with Angelique as Eva Green looking amazingly hot is the best thing in this film. The guy ends up sleeping with her anyway for christ sake so what’s the problem?

In my opinion Tim Burton is best known for producing what are effectively kids films with a slight adult punch from time to time. However, I fail to see how Dark Shadows which screams of being a child-like kids movie can feature a scene where Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) goes down on a two-hundred something year old dead guy, bet that tastes nice? Also how the hell can Barnabas even get a stiffy for that matter, I thought vampires were dead and had no blood?

RATING
The film is slow for the most part with the potential to entertain, but unfortunately by the end the film becomes so piled high with its own stinking television show references that it becomes hard to separate the crap from the bullshit. Sorry Tim but after having to watch this film in two chunks because I’d fallen asleep the first time, I honestly would prefer being locked in a box for two hundred years on my own than having to watch this one again. Maybe if you’re a Burton lover or some Twilight fan who can’t get enough of vampires, for the rest of us, do me a favour please Tim!

Maniac Rating - 2 and Half Stars