“These aliens by the way are some of the sorriest looking creature designs to ever grace the silver screen. Bald albino punks with acupuncture beards”

Battleship Review
By Simon Jago

A film produced by Hasbro, based on one of their classic board games in which an aggressive group of aliens fly to earth from the far reaches of space on intergalactic boats to do battle with the American Navy, only by sea sounds absurd, and it is. However, there is something slightly charming about the film… To begin with anyway.

PLOT SYNOPSIS
During an annual naval war games event in Hawaii an alien armada lands in the Pacific Ocean. The aliens project a force field that separates all contact with the outside world. With Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) and his naval fleet trapped outside the force field, it’s up to undisciplined slacker Lt. Alex  Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) to save the day. It also happens that Alex Hopper is trying to seek the permission of Admiral Shane to take his daughters hand in marriage (Brooklyn Decker). Will he save the day and prove his worth? Signs point to yes. Oh and Rihanna the singer is in it, yes that talented actress that she is.

SIMON SLATES
The film doesn’t take itself to seriously so you can forgive certain faults, but by the end of the film I guarantee you will be sick of cocky young sailors brown nosing senile old war veterans who couldn’t piss straight let alone defeat intergalactic forces in naval combat. These aliens by the way are some of the sorriest looking creature designs to ever grace the silver screen. Bald albino punks with acupuncture beards is about as accurate as I can get with a description, and that fails to mention how pathetic they are as an invading force, they bring boats for f**k sake. They have unstoppable flying razor discs that take out the whole of Hawaii and then they resort to fighting the entire time in jumping boats! Then when they get up close and personal they fight with in built swiss army knives that apparently any paraplegic war veteran with no legs can out maneuver.

RATING
This film is desperate to be a Michael Bay alien robot explosion fest and it does make a pretty good attempt to be this. However, and I can’t believe I’m saying this but I think even Michael Bay could have slightly polished this turd. Overall there is nothing that impressive with Battleship so the sooner this one sinks out of memory the better.

Maniac Rating - 1 and Half Stars